I use "he" - but n's can be male or female.
I read with great interest an article in Psychologies Magazine July edition. There was a three page article about getting rid of the toxic relationship and it mentioned The Echo Society www.theechosociety.org.uk
The Echo Society's work is to try and put an end to narcissistic abuse and I have no idea how they are going to achieve this? The article has left me wondering how we can bring awareness to the powers that be? The police, the family court judges, lawyers and barristers, teachers? How can we even prove that someone is a narcissist? The term is so widely used at the moment. It's in vogue. Every fiction book and novel seems to have an "n" character lurking in the shadows of its pages.
I have many clients who have escaped some kind of emotionally abusive relationship and the word they all have in common is narcissist. I often find myself questioning whether the title is so important? "You simply can't bear your husband. Does it really matter what his label says?'
Many n's will lie and cheat, even under oath within the setting of the divorce court They will bring along their harem of lawyers and psychologists and they are more than happy to be the centre of attention, playing the victim card. They are charming and astute, so how on earth are judges and the like supposed to differentiate an "n" from just a bog standard scorned ex? They will tell the court about the counselling they are having and will use services such as "victim support" to paint a picture that it wasn't them who was doing any wrong. They will use all the right words "I want the best for my children".
One way could be the amount of times a person drags the other party to court? N's love the drama and theatre of the courtroom. If a person starts to appear as the applicant frequently at court for minor issues, could a judge have the power to order a psychological report? Would the possibility of being outed and discovered deter the n?
There must be ways in which a potential n could be flagged up? CAFCASS and Child Services should be trained to spot the abuse that a scorned n could be putting on their ex. Certain behaviours? Do they appear to not bother about the children, only when they are in their care? Have they made life particularly difficult for their ex? Left them homeless and/or penniless since they were told that the relationship had ended? Did the exit involve a para-suicide attempt? Was there any physical violence? Does one party seem to be particularly bitter in their actions, yet charming in the court and to social services and the authorities? Do attitudes just simply not add up. Take for an example a Mother left destitute with two children. The Father is wealthy but gives the Mother nothing as his assets are all abroad. He then applies for the Mothers child benefit to further destabilise her. His ego in pieces, like an surface to air missile he seeks to break her completely in any way he can. False allegations against her, she's attacked him, she's an alcoholic, has her partner seen the children naked? Anything he can dream up, he will use. There is no stopping his toxicity.
I have seen examples where a Father has left a Mother and children homeless, going to a shelter, yet has told a social worker what a great parent he is and how he wants to work with the Mother to co-parent? This kind of hypocritical behaviour should surely raise red flags? The authorities should think outside their box and be allowed to think? Why would a man (or woman) say that they are a superb parent yet leave the family homeless knowing that the other parent was not working? Children forced out of their private education because a father stops paying the fees to attack the Mother. One parent cutting off all the finances from the stay-at-home parent? There are many examples of this kind of behaviour. Non-normal attitudes like this, where one party seems particularly bitter, could warrant further investigation in the form of a psychological report?
Do you have any ideas of other ways in which we could trap these n's? These cluster b personality disordered who can cause so much pain and anxiety for many. Feel free to email me and I will pass them onto contacts at The Echo Society. Let's start a conversation.